The Dilemma of Looking After Aging Desi Parents
By Sanjay Sanghoee • Sep 25th, 2012 • Category: The Buzzloading...
Desi parents, children - and expectations. Photo: Carolyn_Sewell
Desi Fathers & Sons
As my father gets older and reaches an age where he needs more help and emotional support than ever before, I am confronted with a challenge that almost all young desis face today: how to juggle our responsibility towards our parents, which is an integral part of our culture, with the many demands of our hyperactive cosmopolitan lives and our focus on the realization of our own potential and dreams. Ultimately, we all find different solutions but the underlying emotional conflict is the same for everyone.
Unlike Western culture which idolizes the individual and self-realization, desis come from a background that stresses the importance of ancestral continuity and indebtedness to our parents. As a friend of mine once said, “Once they have you they think they own you.” There is no right or wrong here but the two ideologies clearly clash and can create very practical problems for a modern desi in the United States.
To understand the problem better, it is important to identify the reason for the disconnect.
Moving on: Fathers and sons on the road of life. Photo: T31Erick
In Western culture, old age is regarded as a liability. While there is a lot of effort made to provide older people with physical comfort, it is generally accepted that the previous generation cannot be allowed to hamper the progress of the present one. In other words, parents should be taken care of but only to the extent that it does not require true sacrifice. Anything else would be a betrayal of ourselves. The notion of parents living with their children is almost anathema (not that it never happens).
Desi culture, on the other hand, reveres old age and automatically assumes that parents will stay with their children and be looked after, regardless of the circumstances. There is a strong sense of “duty” behind all this that sidelines practical concerns in deference to the welfare of the elderly. All this creates a juggernaut of social and emotional pressure for young desis. Conscience, after all, is a powerful force and nowhere does it have greater potency than when it comes to the caring of our aging parents.
So the question is which of these philosophies do we follow and is there a happy balance that can satisfy our desi conscience while enabling us to live the modern life we want?
I have grappled with this issue for more than a decade and only recently made peace with it. My father is the nicest man I know and the degree to which he has sacrificed his own happiness for the sake of mine is beyond measure. Yet for the longest time I hated him for it since it created an obligation that I did not want. But then something changed. I realized one day that not only was I grateful to him for going above and beyond the call of duty as a parent, but that I genuinely wanted to repay him for his kindness. In essence, I want to take care of him not out of a sense of guilt or obligation but from the desire to do it.
And therein lies a possible answer.
As a good desi son or daughter, we are bound by our culture to perform a role that we may not want to, and because we feel forced to do something, we resent it. But what if there is no pressure, at least in our own minds; what if we put aside our fear of social reprisal and do what we want; and then what if we decide to take care of our parents not because we are being forced to but because we want to. The difference in those two attitudes is night and day and can lower the weight of the burden that we have to carry. If we believe that something is a burden, it will feel like a burden no matter how vast our resources or how easily we can tackle a situation in the real world. The other side of that coin is that if we can shift our own perspective on the problem and stop seeing the care-taking of old parents as a burden, we may be able to deal with it more effectively and with less anxiety.
Defeat of Individualism or Sign of Evolution?
Right about now I can imagine some of you objecting strongly to the notion of changing your attitude about anything, but speaking for myself, I do not consider adjusting one’s attitude as a defeat of individualism but as a sign of evolution. We don’t become weaker by re-considering our perspective in life but stronger. People who can evolve to meet the demands of life survive and thrive, while people who resent those demands or avoid their responsibilities altogether remain stagnant and unfulfilled.
Of course, not all parents are exemplary and in those cases, their children’s emotions may be even more complex and conflicted, but that is not within the scope of this discussion. My goal is merely to share my own individual solution to the dilemma of balancing my own needs with those of my father. I realize that adopting a new perspective and creating workable arrangements are much easier said than done, but they are not impossible either.
To sum it all up, whenever I feel like complaining about my familial responsibilities or envy others who (for whatever reason) do not have them, I just remind myself of the fact that I am actually grateful for all the sacrifices my father has made for me and that I have consciously taken advantage of his generous nature time and again. To pretend now that “I never asked for it” is not only disingenuous but truly ungracious. My father never forced anything on me and I have always had the choice to reject his support and go my own way – but the fact is I happily enjoyed his largesse and built my own life on that foundation, and so if I now have to adjust my life a little to accommodate him, it is hardly unfair.
Sanjay Sanghoee
Sanjay Sanghoee is a columnist for the Huffington Post and the author of a financial thriller, MERGER, published by St. Martin’s Press in hardcover, paperback and Kindle.
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Everyone of us goes through this. Sanjay Sanghoee talks of the personal dilemma of coping with an aging parent. What are your thoughts on this? Any coping solutions?
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Sanjay Sanghoee is is a blogger on Huffington Post and the author of the financial thriller MERGER, published by Forge Books and available on Amazon. He is a former banker and resides in New York City.
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View Lavina Melwani's profile
Right, why should there be a dilemma? What makes it different if you are an American Indian or Indian American? Parents are parents, they make so many adjustments to raise us…and we become selfish as we grow older…and we create institutions after institutions for everything, every responsibility we want to escape from…and we have innumerable excuses, no?….I feel strongly about this.
Very touching article.
Nivi, thanks for your comment – I’m sure Sanjay will respond. I just want to address the desi part – adding the keyword desi into the title is so readers can discover the article online. You are right – parents are parents, no matter what race or ethnicity. Asian cultures, however, do have strong expectations that children look after aging parents and so young desis do have much more guilt thrust upon them.
Well written, Sanjay. I completely agree with you. In the not too distance future I’m sure I will be faced with this, and having given much thought to this inevitable reality, I will simply have to find a way to take care of my parents and incorporate that as a part of my life. My parents always have supported me through thick and thin in spite of several vast differences in our points of view, so I don’t think taking care of them in their twilight years is something I will ever regret.
Hey Leena and Nivi, thanks very much for your comments and nice words. I think more desis can relate to this than we realize and most do a pretty good job in the end of taking care of their parents. Haven’t shared this article with my dad yet though, so his response remains to be seen.
Lavina, do parents feel guilt while raising their children? Then it shouldn’t be a guilt that is thrust upon kids either, i feel.
Also an important aspect is, Desi parents don’t attend senior programs which are plenty here which educates them about problems of aging, health etc…which may keep them isolated and a few adjustment problems may crop up, but I am sure the Social Services have woken up to the cultural factor and there are South Asian senior homes with programs as well…which should make lives easier?
Another great article Sanjay and can understand the conflict many professional desis feel between balancing their personal dreams/goals and the obligation that comes with helping aging parents. I realize there are no easy answers and each person has to come to terms with this on their own and what best fits their family situation.
Regardless, the issue of helping aging parents is universal to all societies. I know plenty of American families where the elderly parent lives with them and they are trying to help their sick and aging parent. I also know plenty of desis who could care less what happens to their aging parents and have poor family values. Elder abuse and abandonment is on the rise in India as well. So I do not believe we should typecast particular societies.
An excellent point of view Sanjay! Fortunately for me I did not even have to change my outlook to look after my parents. I take pleasure and a whole lot of pride that I can do it. I say that because, in the context of Indian culture and practices (not always reasonable ones), it is not often that a daughter can take responsibility for her parents because her duties after marriage are tied to the husband’s family.
Kriti, I commend you on your attitude. It’s funny that both sons and daughters have a lot of cultural baggage and different obligations based on traditional roles in our society, but in the end it all comes down to how much we care about each other – and maturity. I’m definitely a lot more philosophical about life as I get older (and everything begins to creak!).
Hi Sanjay
Thanks for the article, point well taken.
For a desi living outside India, this does pose a question of how can one perform this duty.
Things get more complex when your are well settled abroad, and your parents are in India and are not willing to relocate.
This question has given me sleepless nights for years and I am not sure if i will ever find a solution.
Would like to hear what people think
Thanks for the great article
In my case parents are in India. I would like to hear how others take care of their aging parents from afar. Going to India frequently is not possible and they don’t want to come here….
I have the exact same question and feeling…would love to hear suggestions from fellow desis….
Hey guys, there is one reason your parents don’t want to live with you…not always the case, but is a possibility…do your wives treat them nicely?
Maybe they prefer to live alone than living with your difficult wives!
(Attachment to roots, not leaving the country, migration problems come later..)