Desi Relationships – Heartbreak Hotel

As a desi woman who has spent her life journey learning and exploring, I have found that heartbreak is an inevitable part of the  journey.   I mean you can’t control what your heart feels or who it feels for,  right?   I once walked into a bar and overheard a bar patron question the bartender by saying, “You don’t love me anymore.”  He playfully responded back with ‘Of course I do, what can I get you?’

Desi Singles Dealing with Bad Relationships

If love were that easy, then life would be cake.  As we all know, relationships are complicated.  Love, sex and emotional connection don’t always go hand in hand.  People are complicated, everyone has their own story.  Unfortunately during our serious search for the right partner we often get stuck in the crossroads.  We love men that don’t love us back or men love us when we don’t love them back.

Heartbreak can result when we develop a serious connection with someone who we feel is Mr. Right, but unfortunately our feelings aren’t reciprocated.   Since so much emphasis is placed on how people feel about us, we often start to feel low about ourselves and wonder why we aren’t good enough.

Heartbreak is a part of life; however it shouldn’t affect our self esteem.  We are worthy individuals with a lot to offer the world.  When we are stuck in our own world, we don’t usually see the big picture.  Our thoughts and perceptions center on our ex-significant other and how we could have changed our circumstances.

Truth be told, if we did it over again, it would have probably gone the same way.  We are living in a world where indifference and intolerance prevail.  We often don’t find the answers that we need to get the appropriate closure needed to successfully move on.  That is where your inner strength comes in.  You need yourself and your support system to get through the hard times.

In a world that expects everyone to desensitize and move on, I am here to tell you that it is okay to take time out from your daily routine, grieve and process your emotions.  Without processing and having a pity party, you are letting the pain affect your heart and every cell in your body.  Without a healthy process, one tends to take their anger and transfer it to future relationships.    This could be disastrous in the fact that it could possibly ruin a happy ending for you.

Desi Singles and Marriage

I have heard men and women discuss marriage in an unfavorable light.  This is mainly due to someone in the past that has hurt them emotionally.  I think it is really sad when people give up on having a beautiful life with someone because someone hurt them.  EVERY human being on this earth has been hurt emotionally.  People are brought to us to teach us something and then they continue their life’s journey.  Learn from it, live through it, process it and then move on.

The song Breakeven by the Script is a great song that speaks to anyone who has experienced heartbreak and rejection. Processing your emotions can lead you to establish healthier future relationships.  Even if no one comes into your path for an exceedingly long time, you still have to live with yourself and heartbreak can sometimes be worse than a physical ailment.  It can lead to depression and suicidal ideation.

When we experience heartbreak, we often lie in bed at night and wonder why the pain won’t stop….

“I am still alive but I am barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in

Cause I got time, while she got freedom

Cause when a heart breaks, no it don’t break even”

Anyone who has experienced heartbreak can tell you that it sucks.  You often feel pointless, as if no one loves you and some people feel as if they can’t go on…once again some emotions expressed by Script in ‘Breakeven’.

“You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase and I took the Blame

Now I am trying to make sense of what little remains, oh

Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name.”

That is okay.  Cry, think bad thoughts, and divert your attention by watching TV or surfing the internet.  Eat chocolate.  Listen to sad 80’s music.  Allow yourself to feel.  Don’t suppress anything. Rely on your faith in times of struggle, that is when god is closest to you.  You are a child of god and he loves you and he gave you your life.  He is the only one that has control over you and your life.  Take your power back and start building yourself back up.  You are not here by accident. You have been chosen by the Creator of the universe. Your destiny is not determined by external circumstances. Your destiny is determined by God. God has already laid out a life of victory for you.

Whether your ex significant other met someone or not, chances are you lose sleep from sadness during heartbreak.  We crave that person with every ounce of our beings.  We continue to have sexual fantasies and we wonder how that person doesn’t even think twice about us.  Whatever comes to mind, go with it.  You are human and you have the right to feel sorry for yourself.  Remember, it is all a process.

Now that you have broken up, you probably have a lot more time on your hands.  Focus on yourself more.  Give yourself time to breathe.  Take a class, you have always wanted to take or spend more time with family and friends.  Talk, Talk, Talk about your man.  Keep a journal by your bedside.  Write your feelings and remember to write at least 3 things that you saw in the world today that could raise your spirits.

Write a letter to God about all the things that you are grateful for.  Remember one thing, that you are not left with nothing.  Process that you are a separate entity and your life can and will go on.  If you are feeling suicidal, seek the help of a professional or a family member/best friend.

Suppose you fell in love with a man who has reacted very insensitively to your breakup (which can often be the case), understand that everyone processes emotions differently and handles their own life differently.  Some men can move on without processing and dealing with their emotions.  It has to do with them, not you.  Understand that and believe that.  At the end of the day, everyone is responsible for their life.  When you feel as if you are down to nothing, God is up to something.

Desi Relationships – Finding Closure

I am someone who analyzes constantly.  I always want to know why things happen and what the reason is for it.  Unfortunately, not everyone processes like me.  If it’s possible, try and seek closure.  I think it will better in the long run and it might help you heal.  I also am fully aware that some people won’t give you the closure you so desperately need.  You may be left on your own to seek answers.

Understand who the person is that you got yourself involved with.  Pinpoint where things went wrong (if it is possible).  Sometimes things just went wrong because the spark simply wasn’t there anymore.  That is okay.  Also remember that life can be unfair, you can sit home and grieve and the other person can be out living their life to the fullest.

When something like that happens, Cry, throw things and then remember you don’t want your negativity/sadness to affect YOUR physical health because you have to take care of yourself.  You love yourself.

“One’s still in love, while the other one’s leaving”

I, for one, am glad you fell in love, even if it didn’t take you anywhere this time.  It shows that you care and you are normal in a world where insensitivity prevails.  Don’t ever lose that spirit and one day, someone will appreciate the love that you have within you.  At the end of your grief process, always forgive.  It is not worth carrying anger inside of you.   Life is a road, so keep going.  Love is a river, so keep it flowing.

XOXO

Monica Marwah

(C) Monica Marwah

Illustrations: (C) Dipanjan Bose

( Monica Marwah is a 30-something school psychologist  in Philadelphia.  After wandering the singles scene for years, she learned invaluable lessons on life, dating and relationships.  Now comfortably living life in her 30’s, she is sharing her own experiences on what it is like to break away from the traditional desi trend and live a life of your own. )

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