Chatty Divas
An Indian Story: The Surrogate Mother
I have become a kind of connoisseur in the contrast and similarities of India vs US living. In fact, I find I’ve become a magnet for peculiar stories around the subject since I started writing this blog!
I recently had a few friends over for drinks. Among them was this couple who had recently had twins through a surrogate mother. Surrogacy as a subject has intrigued me as an option to couples who find themselves at the end of the road. I am amazed by the many layers of emotions that go into the lives of the people who choose this as a method to have a family.
My head often brims with questions whenever the topic comes up and here I was face to face with the parents of surrogate twins for the first time. I naturally channeled all my attention on them and shamelessly bombarded them with unadulterated, embarrassing questions.
This was an Indian couple based in the US who chose an Indian surrogate mother. They even managed to get the surrogate mother to stay in their parents’ house in India so they could keep a close eye on her health and needs. They spoilt her to the core and treated her like a queen.
The Surrogate and a Sonogram
The crisis started when the sonogram of her womb showed twins. She threatened to walk out on them if she wasn’t paid double the amount they had agreed on. My friends were at the risk of losing their sanity along with their children if they didn’t cough up the amount that was demanded.
It was a nightmare worse than they had ever gone through and those nightmares were hell as it were. This was their only dream and she was their only hope. After weeks of persuasion and gallons of tears they reached a compromise and she agreed to give them the twins for a considerable rise in the payment. My friends gathered as much financial help as they could to see their babies and settled down to wait for their arrival.
Manav, the husband returned to his job in the US while Priya stayed on to look after the woman who would perform the miracle that she couldn’t. She was thrilled and oozing excitement in every step.
They lived apart for six months when suddenly there were complications and the surrogate mother had to be taken in for an emergency C section. The twins were delivered but they were far from any comprehensible human form. Both were put in ventilators while syringes were pierced in their brand new skins to keep them alive.
In India, The Milk of Human Kindness
After a couple of months in this state one twin seemed to stabilize and respond to formula while the other developed an allergy to any kind of nutrition given to him. He would immediately throw up everything that was put in his system. Manav and Priya were again thrown into abysmal grief. Priya was beyond any consolation when the doctor announced that breast milk was the only thing that provided a safe option.
Manav was frantic! “Where the hell am I going to get breast milk from?” he screamed. Priya started weeping all over again. That night Manav took his burdened shoulders, bloodshot eyes and throbbing head out of the hospital to find respite in a smoke.
In the comfort of his own solitude he allowed his tears to flow freely. His throttled sobs must have been audible because when he lifted his head he was face to face with Dharam ji, the security head of that wing in the hospital. Dharam ji did not ask any questions and simply put an assuring hand on Manav’s shoulder. That was enough – Manav spluttered his entire saga to Dharam ji.
“Itni si baat hain? (Is that all?)” was Dharamji’s reassuring response. I am told that since then Manav and Priya were showered with breast milk from all the rooms that had new mothers. Their story spread like wildfire and every new mother in that hospital took up the challenge of keeping this baby alive.
Every room in that wing not only gave the initial bottle of their breast milk to the baby but even inquired about refills after. The baby miraculously took to the milk and survived. He is 7 months now and a handsome toddler with the energy of more than 30 mothers in him.
When Manav and Priya took their babies back to their parents’ house, their freezers were full of breast milk from new mothers from all over who knew their story. That baby had an over-fill and never had to run out of the only thing that he could tolerate.
Mother India
This incident had such a powerful impact on the new parents that they moved to India for good. Their hearts filled with gratitude to India and its mothers, they were suddenly guilt-ridden about ever having chosen to leave. Their son was the son of Indian soil and they could never keep him away from it – especially because they believe that their son would have never had a chance at survival if they were anywhere else in the world.
We now joke that no one would challenge this baby with “agar ma ka doodh piya hain to bahaar aa (a common Hindi masala movie dialogue that challenges one’s masculinity literally translated as ‘if you have ever had mother’s milk – come out and fight’).
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63 Comments
@Tapas – thank you very much for your kind comment!
@Zia – that is very informative and helpful! I would have shared the websites here but what I have really are phone numbers of doctors working in these different clinics. And I have the numbers because I was talking to them for yet another friend of mine. But one can write to me at kritimukherjee937@gmail.com. Thanks for coming by and commenting.
@Gita – all the very best with your efforts! I hope you find what you are looking for. Yes an important lesson to learn there but I may have done the same thing if I were in my friend’s shoes too. I would want to take care of the mother, of my child/children inside her and of everything else. I wouldn’t micromanage or anything but its great to be close while everything is happening. That of course comes with its own risks – the kind my friends had. Thanks for your comment.
@Neeru – that is a real solid point! Completely missed that angle of things – Even though I don’t think that option came with its own set of complexities, what a great thing to happen if you are surrounded with simple hearts all looking for a happy ending.
What a touching story. Bless you my sweet friend.
Kriti: This is a fascinating poetry, beautifully recited. God Bless.
Very interesting story. Lavina, India is I think currently the world’s leader in surrogacy, in part because it was not regulated. But now the government is issuing new regulations. (Surrogacy in the US is regulated mostly by states, California and Florida being best so far. Canada is difficult but centrally regulated I think; and UK is in the midst of rewriting legislation, but surrogacy there is a legal minefield so few do it.)
A quick google news search will reveal that India is increasingly used by foreigners for surrogacy; specifically white foreigners; hence bringing to fore issues of financial need, bargaining, and treating human life creation like commodities, even without meaning to, as Lavina said. But even for Indian couples, or South Asians from abroad, it raises all sorts of ethical issues. I agree with Kriti and Gita that it is all about finding the right clinic. Kriti, it would be great if you might want to share some resources online? Especially for people who would prefer to remain anonymous rather than contact you.
Anyone thinking about surrogacy in India, I’d also recommend looking at http://www.oneinsix.com/ , the website of a UK South Asian couple, Bobby and Nikki. They’ve been through it; twice! The website is a bit wacky, not superbly well written, and visually hard to read, but has valuable info for those starting out; especially for South Asians.
We are looking into surrogacy in India; and I’ve met several couples who have done it. It’s a minefield of ethical issues, and expensive (although less so than the US). But if you are careful, it can work out.
I think they key is to find a really good clinic. Clinics I’ve spoken to so far have their own surrogate-care package, providing them with all sorts of care and attention; but don’t recommend taking care of them yourself, because it can get too personal; as noted in the story Kriti told.
I don’t know what we’ll ultimately decide. But being told you can’t carry your own child is devastating enough. Using all the money you saved up for a down payment on an apartment, for fertility treatment and eventually surrogacy, can be financially devastating. But if you are desperate to have a genetically related family, as we are, surrogacy is a viable possibility.
Kriti,
I am so glad that I visited the LC link today and came across this story. It takes me back to my parents’ time when kids grew up in large families, with little or no concept of “space” and “personal time”. The easiest/most common solution to the problem above would have been to adopt a child from the immediate family or to bring up the other children in the family as one’s own with no formal adoption. One’s uncle and aunt (father’s elder brother and his wife) were usually considered one’s second set of parents in any case and parents were not so hung up on their “unique” genes.
@Lavina – yes this was a story with several layers in it. All kinds of women and their emotions of motherhood! It really is crazy! Thanks for adding your thoughts to this. They are several cases where surrogacy has worked out wonderfully for couples.
@Roy – thank you Sir! Both for your wishes and your comment.
@Ami – it is not as black and white as it seems you know. Like I said in my reply to Aysha, you just need to get in touch with the right center. I don’t know what all you have tried but let me know if I can help with getting you in touch with some of these centers. I will be more than happy to help.
@Aysha – I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am sure it is a very trying situation indeed. But I have to say there is hope. A friend of mine had her first child at the age of 40 after trying for several years. I may be able to give you some leads of very good centers in India who take you through the entire thing. Another friend of mine is actually using one of those centers for a surrogate pregnancy and her unborn child’s surrogate mother is now 4 months pregnant. SO dear friend hang in their and let me know if you need leads. Thank you very much for coming and sharing your life with us here and even more for the advice.
@Susan – all’s well that ends well and the ending to this is fabulous! These kids are a constant source of happiness to their parents now and I am sure that’s the way its going to be. Thank you for your thoughts on the same.
@Tilak – it really is, isn’t it?
@Jan – so glad it brought happiness to you just like it did when it happened to my friends! Thank you for coming over and sharing your thoughts.
Kriti, thought I’d chip in here and tell you how thought-provoking this post was. On the one hand you have the couple who wants to be parents so badly and the woman who due to financial needs bargains on the price of babies, like some common commodity. And then you have all those mothers responding with their precious gift. All humans and each responding in a different way.
I wonder how common surrogacy is in India and whether it works out well for most couples. Does anyone have experiences to share?
Great post Kriti a very challenging subject. One that needs more than I can give here. Keep writing and God bless the children and mothers and you.
What a shocking yet heartwarming story. I may need to consider surrogacy (I’ve had many miscarriages, both from natural pregnancies, and through IVF and other fertility treatments). Because surrogacy in the US is so expensive, and because we’re South Asian, we may consider India. But the more I hear, the more shocking it is, whether you are South Asian or not.
Surrogates in the US of course need the money. But surrogates in India who need the money are often in such dire economic straits that they may resort to extortion, as detailed above. It’s sad that India’s supposedly booming economy is only booming for some. I’d love it if India’s economic climate allowed surrogates there to do it also because they wanted to do a beautiful thing for another woman.
Fascinating story; thanks for bringing this very important issue to attention of readers, esp from a South Asian perspective. Yet it strikes me that all the commentators seem to be young, and yet to be confronted with the realities of infertility that many women face.
I am one of those many (South Asian diasporic) women – and may end up facing the necessity of surrogacy.
It took me a long time to find a suitable husband, and by the time I did, I already found out (by chance) that I had fertility problems. We never had a chance to have a real wedding because we had to embark on IVF right away. After several years, and many IVFs later, we are still childless. Meanwhile, most of my then-single girlfriends are now married, some with 2 or 3 kids. Though supportive, they have no idea what my life is like. Infertility is the most trying thing I’ve ever been through. At the moment, we are considering egg donation in India. But everything you read in the news, about women donating eggs or being surrogates just for money, or possibly being coerced, raises lots of ethical issues. Especially if one is of South Asian descent oneself.
Ladies, I would encourage all of you to be aware that as annoying as it sounds, it’s best to try to conceive young, preferably before age 35. Fertility treatment (especially surrogacy) is expensive, time consuming, and emotionally draining. If you can conceive without it, that’s ideal. Dont be afraid to ask your gyn to offer you basic fertility tests- they’re cheap, and helpful. And most of all, dont be afraid to reach out — to friends, or on the internet. Thanks again for bringing this story out.
@Frane – to mine too : ) Thanks for coming by!
@Padmavani – I was all teary eyed when I heard the story as well. I just couldn’t keep it to myself – had to share. You have made my effort worthwhile! Thank you so much!
Brought tears to my eyes ……
I meant ‘so many mothers’ 🙂
Hello Kriti
Thank you sharing this with us…Made my eyes well up and my throat catch. We have heard of stories where mothers have breast fed babies who aren’t fortunate to have their own mother’s milk. Nevertheless, so many mothers who may have gone through their own deliveries recently, sharing milk so selflessly is so heart-warming. I wish your friends and their babies all the very best. And I hope the little one can now eat other foods as well.
Best
Padmavani
@Bongo – thank you! I hope those tears were happy ones : )
@David – thank you very much for taking the time to read the story and so glad you enjoyed it!
@Melissa – thank you very much for sharing that part of your life here. Well its a great option for anyone really! This is where science can make our lives flow seamlessly even if there is a hitch on the way. Let me know how it goes with the decision making…
@Sarah – thank you very much for your compliment! That really does make me more brave : ). Yes even the most unassuming person can really turn around to make or break something! This story is proof.
@Janaki – yes a really dandy salute is what they deserve! Thanks a ton for your comment and taking the time to read this.
@Portia – thank you so much for coming by and leaving a thought. I was amazed by this story too. It is simply overwhelming!
Kriti:
Thanks for this post. I have wondered many times about this and here you are, narrating this episode. It is quite sad that motherhood which is taken for granted by women is also partial to some. I am just not able to imagine the emotional quotient of the couple while they were going through this.
Joy always,
Susan
@Alpana – I am sure you have great things in store for you. COunt your blessings right now instead of looking for them. Sometimes we miss out on what we have when we go looking for what we might …. wow, when did I get that profound? Wish I could follow my own advice sometimes.
@Sulekha – well the dialogue is so apt in this case : ). But we can count on Bollywood dialogues to fit into any situation in life right? There is such a well of dialogues there : ) Thanks for coming by…
Amazing story, Kriti.
@Savira – what a grand gesture right?! Human kindness and cruelty both are topics that can be written about in volumes.
@Rimly – isn’t it?? I thought the same too…
great story you expressed it well. I am so happy for the couple their babies and the ones who were able to help. Such blessings for them all. thank you for sharing this.
@Swati – so glad you enjoyed the not so little episode in their life. I was fascinated too
What an awesome story…brought tears to my eyes.
Loved this story though I was saddened by the children’s illness but the kindness of strangers brought a huge smile to my face and restored my faith in mankind. Wonderful ending…Thanks for sharing!!
Oh this got me into a lot of reflection Kriti. The topic is just timely since my dad has been suggesting that I consider it if ever I will not be finding a husband for me (LOL *blush)…
I’ve never thought about it but since my time is running out~ well, I have it at the back of my mind as an option.
Now going back to your story… Dark clouds seemed to shadow the blessings ~ wow, just imagine having twins (except, of course, for the double pay). Then, the other need that arose paved a way for others to share what they have.
Your story has softened me a lot. It really takes one to listen to the whole story. I loved it Kriti 🙂
I’m always amazed that people walk around day in day out like they don’t care and when something happens they can all pull together to fight for survival. It restores my faith in humanity.
Kriti you have a wonderful way with words, when I read your posts I’m always left feeling a great sense of emotion. There are not many people who can do that with writing, it’s an amazing talent.
Wonderful…salutes to the mothers and the motherland.
OMG!!! No other words can describe my amazement! Such greed and selflessness together!It is just overwhelming.
-PORTIA
Thank you for sharing such a story with us Kriti..it just goes on to show that humanity still exists..It has given me hope that maybe I have some better things in store for me.
What an incredible story! I am so happy for Manav, Priya and their babies, who were given the gift of life by the amazing mothers of India.I love the hindi movie’s dialogue at the end, “Agar Maa ka doodh piya hai” 🙂 Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us, god bless.
An amazing story… human kindness always surprises and one never knows where it will come from..
That was some ordeal. It is amazing how help comes when you need it most. Thank you for sharing this Kriti
Wow – this story made my hair stand, and brought tears to my eyes….fascinating story, beautifully told!!